Pitfalls & Eclipses

It’s hard to believe that I’m sitting here listening to a white woman sing about her emotions. That goes against almost everything I stand for but – that woman happens to be Fiona Apple. It’s hard to hate her. Even when I’m the exact opposite of her and her vulnerability is accepted upon first glance-

For some reason, I feel her. I don’t know why the hell her songs play melodies with MY heart strings as if I gave her my consent. I hate that I love her.


Especially when she whispers “I just want to feel everything” on Every Single Night and it seeps into my ears in this trance-like fashion making me want to feel everything. It’s so annoyingly peaceful and soothing that it hurts. I think that’s pain?

Pain is damn near the worst and best thing we experience as humans because it’s transformative and profound. I mean, isn’t that what women and artists believe? Beauty is pain and masterpieces come from tragedy.

That whole concept mimics a loaded gun for me. Like the pitfalls and eclipses we sift through on the better days of our lives. Questioning: “Why is this always happening?”

Anyways, I think pain is overrated. Same as sadness, healing, anxiety, joy, depression, beauty. Whatever. They’re all overrated concepts when they’re so fleeting and temporary. But for some reason, we have the power to inflate them and deflate them.

"If what I am is what I am, cause I does what I does" - Fiona Apple 

I’ve come to the conclusion that, everything is just about existence. The here and now and just feeling it all as it comes. But what happens when you’re not even aloud to do that authentically?

It’s weird to me that existing for somebody Black is a “radical” act. As if humanity is a fixture that we dance on. Aside from white women singing about vulnerability, I want to celebrate some Black shit.

Afro-Surrealism, Black Imagination and Black Joy

One of my favorite examples of all three of these things is depicted in Jordan Peele’s newest movie titled: “Nope” (SPOILERS AHEAD)

Not only was this movie well-executed, it had authenticity. It wasn’t overdone or saturated and stretched out. For a film over 2 hours, I felt like I was watching an episode. I consumed this movie without knowing what to expect – best decision ever.

I was immediately teleported to my current reality of: cameras. Everyone needs to show something off, everyone wants to get-rich-quick. Because “did it really happen if we have no evidence?”

That brings me back to existence. Existing as somebody Black in America means being watched. Everyone is watching what we do, what we say, how we say it, what we wear and the list just goes on. I loved this film because you have a brother and a sister existing in Los Angeles who happen to discover a UFO (or UTA) and coin it as a “bad miracle”

Throughout the movie, we witness how cameras are used to tell a story: our story. And if we don’t document it, who will? AND who will try to steal it? This is the reality of the Black existence. People have tried for decades to write-and re-write our stories for us. I’m inspired by people like Jordan Peele who decide to carve out long forgotten gems in Black history, polish them off, and make them shine.

Existence doesn’t have to be escapism, but it can be. It can be escaping from what we internalized and what they erased. It can be freeing ourselves from the constructs of what others think we should be or how we should be; perceptions.

When I first started writing this article, I had no idea where I wanted to go with it. I wanted to make it about me and my complexities and how awful it feels to be 23 in a pandemic with monkey pox on the rise and job insecurity. But I got a journal for all dat.

Theme song for this blog post

Sincerely,

Your Angel, Ash

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Asè

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