If I'm being honest, these last couple of years have been the most transformative years of my entire life so far. If you think about it, we went from solitude and stillness in 2020 while sifting through rage and anxiety, to movement and the initiation of a new world order in 2021. I think a lot of people realized that time is more precious than we could have ever imagined and being present in every moment is what counts. Major themes that popped for me from the years of 2020-2022 were: Transitions, Movement, Grounding and Acceptance. All of those terms coincide with change. Change being one of scariest and gratifying processes to exist. Through various types of art - I explored my internal landscape by assessing my self-awareness of change in the moment and creating something to illustrate this experience. This post contains my process of uprooting, undoing and accepting myself through each change.
Beginning to End: Part 1 – Transitions
Time escapes from me in giant gasps as I
The subtle importance of it all
A waning crescent,
A knitted scarf and a wool sweater,
Nothing matters as it all matters
Existing in sync
A bunch of love scatters from flower to flower in the pollen that blows with the wind
As I now,
I now take my time.
In deep breaths – I – cherish my grace in solitude
Leaning into the overstimulation of a new city that feels
The cracks in the concrete embrace my giant steps that turn into leaps as I
Untie the rope connecting my heart to the earth’s center.
I set myself free over and over again.
I fly into tomorrow
Allowing myself to float into now with Ease.
I present myself to the light buried deep under the dirt and
Surrender to the forevers I deserve wrapped
In every single kiss.
In “I love you.”
I take it all in as I
Catch my breath.
– A brief ode to change
This poem for me, is the introduction to the “Red chapter” in my new cycle of life that is the year 2022. However, I hadn’t assigned colors into my life until last year.
Part 2: Movement
Last year was full of movement – Emotional, Physical, Spiritual, Mental, etc. It started off with me leaving and starting a new life in another country. Throughout my stay, I studied International Journalism and explored myself through video making. Here’s some videos that I think represent my “Blue chapter”
Part 3: Grounding & Acceptance
Coming back from the high of traveling the world for the first time in my life and graduating college at the same time, was something I actually wasn’t that prepared for. I thought everything would be smooth and I’d be able to keep all of the routines I created while living on my own. That’s not really how everything panned out…
I became stuck in this cycle of post-trip depression and post-grad depression. Long story short, my mental health was down horrible. I ended up sick (not from COVID) from my transition – I had a swollen lymph node for over a month that I thought was cancer, I learned my uncle passed away and I just overall had no idea what was going on in my life and why everything went from being great to awful in a matter of months. I also wondered why it was so hard for me to speak on anything.
Naturally, I began to write. Here are some journal entries that allowed me to process my grief in every area of my life:
In the end, the process of accepting change has allowed me to grow the most. Of course nothing is perfect and I don’t have it all figured out. But truth is that there’s beauty in every moment – you just can’t be lazy when you’re looking for it. I had definitely thought that I would have everything figured out by the time I graduated college, but that’s not really how it works for anyone. The process of changing, the process of movement, the process of growing in and out of people, places and things is what we’re meant to experience.
So from now on, I give myself grace by making peace with the process. Easier said than done, but fighting with yourself constantly is exhausting.
If you’ve read, watched, laughed and danced with me while reading this – I hope you felt something inside of you that you haven’t experienced in awhile or before.
With love, always.
Your angel, Ash ❤