May 7th, 2019
Is true that we overcompensate for what we lack? It makes sense to be this way. I try to understand why but I can’t figure. I figured that I am everything I need but it doesn’t make sense to feel so uneven. A balance that I long for, in balance I lack. I did Gymnastics for 5 years and the beam was something I was always no good at. A timeless rhyme and a spectacle that I am. I will not attack my character but this girl I know, this woman I wish I knew and this person… it seems so distant. A thoughtless idea. A careless grand gesture. A conceptual metaphor and a loss of interest. When will patience ratify my existence and when will love flourish from my hands to wrap around my body in this timeless hug? Will I dance with ideals and keep my feet running to the left or will time run out? Questions to ask and none to answer. I figure, this is what I lack.
May 13th, 2019
My demons seem to resurface when I lay my head to rest each night. I wrestle with my thoughts as malice fills the air when I share a room with some girl that hates me. It heightens everything when I can feel energy so deeply. For months now, I’ve known the answers to my many questions. I’ve felt what seems to be about a million emotions. They all make little to no sense in regards to my “Pisces” attributes. I’m exhausted by all of them. Even when I’m in Love, I tend to fill my cup up too high and it spills over often. A glass full of water, mixed with ill intent. My heart, my gut, and my mind all work together to play a timeless tune. A tune of telling and feeling, guiding me like the spirits do. I wonder if anyone understands a thing about me. I wonder if they even try to. Here I am, me being me, trying to understand every little thing. What’s the purpose of it all? To feel only half? To experience little and to understand nothing? Sounds to me like somebody who feels nothing at all. Numb to most, leaving one entangled in falsified dreams of love and witnessing feelings that she cannot feel.
July 27th, 2019 (CURRENT)
I felt like I should wrap this post up with some current feelings, thoughts and emotions. Right now, I’m feeling awfully wholesome. I don’t feel so empty and life seems almost like a dream. A lot has cleared up in these past few months, I feel like I can smile again. But, things are never perfect. Uncertainty still makes me anxious, but now I’m using it to my advantage. Of course its all still complicated and life keeps giving me chances and I eat up rebirths like I have a fat headache and need some aspirin. ‘Everything is everything’ plays in my head when I can’t think of logical reasons for why life is so up and down and around. I let it happen now. Whatever it is, and it feels good. I took a couple breaths, sat down with myself, and now I kind of get it. Losing and finding who I am brings me solace often, by just knowing and acknowledging that I can do that. Always loving, always finding a way back to that. I’m happy about it all. And also sad when I need to be. It’s all real, even when it don’t feel like it.
-Thank you for reading this if you did, life’s a blessing